Things That Cannot Be
by Mouse-size-Dragon
Summary: While in theory he has no problem with other people who are like that, love the sinner and all, Choutaro knows in practice he will never be truly comfortable with himself.


**Title: **Things That Cannot Be

**Fandom:** Prince of Tennis

**Summary:** While in theory he has no problem with other people who are like _that_, love the sinner and all, Choutaro knows in practice he will never be truly comfortable with himself.

**Characters:** Choutaro Ootori, Ryou Shishido, Haginosuke Taki

**Pairing(s):** unfufilled Choutaro Ootori/Ryou Shishido, future Choutaro Ootori/OFC

**WARNING:** Non heterosexual thoughts and discussion, what could be seen as anti-Christian sentiments (but aren't, I swear I have nothing against the religion, in fact if I was going to believe in a faith it might be Christianity).

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Prince of Tennis.

**AN:** This was actually Betaed by the friend of mine who it is based on. This is all based very heavily on a very close friend of mine and her experiences with her family's religion and what her faith means to her sexuality. I've always wanted to write a piece like this based on the conflict of faith and sexuality and when I saw Ootori with his cross necklace it came back to me until I found myself reciting bits of the piece in my mind whenever I saw any cross necklace with Ootori as the narrator. Eventually I wrote it and have been nitpicking at it for a while. I decided to just put it out there instead of thinking about it every few months or so.

**Things That Cannot Be**

There are times when Choutaro thinks he might have been gay had he been born in another family. Most of the time he can convince himself that he was probably bisexual. Then he reaches up to tug on the reassuring weight of his cross necklace and tells himself it doesn't matter either way. His neck has a slightly irritated red line circling all the way around the back and sides of it that hasn't had a chance to heal in months. He needs the reminder, often.

Choutaro liked to think that he was a very tolerant person. You'd have to be to spend time in the Japan middle and high school tennis circuits. There are some very bizarre kids playing tennis in Japan. Taki-senpai even used to be his doubles partner back in middle school, which wouldn't have worked if Choutaro was at all homophobic (Taki-senpai's hobby was flower arrangement and he spent time painting his nails every single day, no one was surprised when he came out as gay in his second year of high school). So he really didn't have a problem with people who chose to live like that, or any other way that wasn't traditional (he hesitates to think normal because the norm or average for society was shifting away from the proper family unit of a husband and wife). He does know that it's wrong; the bible clearly states that homosexual relationships are wrong and that marriage is a union between a man and a woman. It's okay to love the sinner even while they sin, after all everyone is a sinner in some manner and no man has the right to judge another in the Lord's stead. It's not okay to choose to sin when you know it's wrong.

Some days he wants to doubt his faith. But it is hard to not believe in something you've known was true since before you knew anything else. His whole family is Christian; his parents and grandparents have attended the same church faithfully since before even his older sister was born. Not believing in their God, his God, feels like not believing in America just because he's never been there. Maybe he's never seen a miracle or felt God's presence but he knows people who have. Still sometimes he thinks it would be easier if he didn't know that being gay is a sin.

He always has to remind himself it's not the being gay part that is a sin, the devil takes all forms to tempt people away from the path of the Lord, it is the acting upon it that would be sinful. So he tugs on his necklace to remind himself that Jesus was tortured and died to pay for his transgressions so he should make sure to make as few as possible. He'll have to ask forgiveness for all the times his thoughts stray down the wrong path again tonight.

It stings when he plays tennis now. Sweat always runs down the back of his neck, catches on the chain and rubs itself into the irritated skin beneath it. It's good to have that extra reminder when he plays with Shishido-san. He thinks sometimes, when he's being especially indulgent in contemplating what ifs, that he might have liked Shishido-san like _that_ if he'd been something other than straight. At this point they're something almost beyond best friends. They are closer than Choutaro has been with anyone else and Choutaro cares for him more than he cares for anyone else. But that is as far as it can go. Because Choutaro isn't gay.

He will grow up and marry a girl he befriends at university, or afterwards, because his parents always say that in a good marriage your spouse is also your best friend. One day he will know. He will have another best friend, he will think she is my best female friend, and that will be who he will marry. They will have a good marriage because Choutaro is used to compromise or letting others have their way, he feels like dealing with Atobe-buchou is great preparation for all future trials in life, so he knows he can handle a future wife. (Choutaro thinks that everyone who ever had to live with Atobe-buchou as their captain or friend will have a very successful future marriage because they will be able to deal with even the most difficult of fights or bad days with ease compared to Atobe's demands and that maybe they should all be thanking their captain for the success of their future relationships. People say relationships are about compromise and everyone under Atobe's rule has learned to compromise their own wants and needs for his commands.)

Most days Choutaro can convince himself he will be attracted to his wife. Of course he will be faithful, till death do us part is something he truly believes in. As it is he is straight, but he thinks that given a different chance he might have been bisexual, or even gay. Some days Shishido-san smiles at him and his stomach twists and clenches and he thinks maybe he will just stay single his whole life. After all it would be better for his future wife's sake to not tie her to him. She can probably find a better husband than him. He isn't sure he could ever love her more than he loves Shishido-san and that would not be right.

There are times when Choutaro thinks he might have been gay had he been born in another family. Most of the time he can convince himself that he was probably bisexual and thus only has to ignore the wrong half of his sexuality. It doesn't matter either way. What ifs are just what ifs. Even if he was born something other than straight he will never be comfortable with that because of his faith. Even if he was different he doesn't think he could have ever admitted to it. So he doesn't like to think about sex or sexuality, especially his own. His neck has a slightly irritated red line circling all the way around the back and sides of it from where he worries his cross necklace against his skin. He needs the reminder that there are some things that cannot be.

* * *

**AN:** I just had to reply to a review. Because while I'm not sure they'll ever read this again I felt like the point was a good one to make, and more importantly one I didn't really want to leave un-clarified. The review was by a guest so I can't pm them. This has to do with stereotypes and attempts to explain a little of some of the thought processes used in the fic. Feel free to ignore.

**Review by Crysanth****: **...The only bone I have to pick about this (speaking as a bisexual woman, just putting that out there) is the assumption that flower arranging and nail-painting is 'gay' behavior. I personally know a lot of straight men who paint their nails and a lot of gay men who don't. How you dress and who you love are two very different, very unrelated things. I would have hoped that you would have steered away from stereotypes and generalizations about the 'femininity' of gay men in such an otherwise excellent piece.

**Reply I hope they get: **I totally get the bone picking there. I myself would pick at that bone (speaking as a pan-romantic asexual female) because stereotypes bother me and almost everyone I know does not actually fall under the stereotypes they 'should' fall under. However this piece is from the point of view of a repressed teenaged boy. I believe painting one's nails is an art form and a mode of personal expression not confined to one particular gender role, but in this story Choutaro Ootori does not share my personal views. He has plenty of stereotypes stuck in his head, some of which come from ye old locker room macho mentality, and some of which he holds onto as a means of protecting himself (thoughts like; gay people are like X, since I am not like X I must not be gay). Personally I don't believe that gay men are particularly feminine or that gay women are particularly masculine, nor do I believe that straight men are particularly masculine and straight women are particularly feminine. But for the sake of this specific fic Choutaro Ootori is a religious teen who wants to believe that he is completely straight and he is more than willing to stereotype people in order to strengthen his case.

My friend was like this. She used stereotypes to back up her struggle. She rationalized, as a naive teen, that because she did not fit the stereotypes surrounding the thoughts and feelings she was having that she was obviously a 'normal' straight girl and just had some confusing thoughts (which everyone does when they're a teen, right?). I think it's a thing that teens do, I have seen more than just her use a similar thought process. She has since realized that this isn't the case, as stereotypes are not an accurate ruler to use, and has (decided to? struggled to?) ignore her non-heteronormative leanings that don't conform to her faith (which in respecting her privacy I'm trying to avoid specifying without detracting from the explanation here). This was the kind of thought process I was hoping to explore/convey. It is not my own.

So thank you for the review, and I'm on your side with this one. Stereotypes are wrong. If you (or anyone) would like to continue this, or any other conversation, but don't have an account here feel free to email me. I'm minisizedragon at gmail dot com.


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